I cannot wait until Winter break starts.
I have a lot of writing to do once I'm free, and a lot of freedom to experience in Paris.
The suffering will pay off at last!
I will be in Europe, with money, with a quarter of straight A's behind me, and my first publication finished (or if not finished, significantly closer to being finished than ever before).
Life is good. Sometimes.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
All I Wish I was Wishing for, for Christmas
So this holiday season, I keep wondering, what do I really want for Christmas? I don't think it's going to be like Christmas when I was a kid, when there would be a lot of presents under the tree--I won't even be in the U.S. to be near a Christmas tree--but it doesn't hurt to dream, right?
First of all, I'd like this pea coat from work:
$180 from AA (but only $90 with my discount!)
I JUST bought the Winter Jacket from work, and I'm already going for the most expensive item after that. This might end up being my present to myself before I go so I have another jacket to keep me warm and stylish in the city of lights...
I'd definitely get it it Yankee Navy. Navy is just clean and classic. You can't argue with it. Dark oxford might be alright, but I just feel like I'd get bored with it.
Second of all, I need a nice, high quality leather jacket. This is a tough one. It's probably a piece that everyone wants. The problem is always finding the best balance of cost, look, quality, and style. I will probably end up looking for leather jackets while I'm in Paris, because it seems like every Frenchman that comes into my store in Santa Barbara is wearing a nice leather jacket. I asked one of them where the best place to look in Paris was and he recommended "Le Marais". I don't think It's going to be easy...
When I was in London, I had no problem finding plenty of vintage and thrift shops to satisfy my budget, but whenever I've been in Paris I've only landed upon high end designer stores. It would be nice to own a few nice designer pieces here and there, but I'd rather take home an entire suitcase full of vintage French designer clothing than one 8,000 euro jacket (not that I'd be ready to make such a ridiculous purchase).
What I really want, though, is an Italian style motorcycle leather jacket--so maybe I'll be looking in the wrong country...
Anyways, G-star raw usually has cool jackets, and they're pretty big in France, but I can't seem to find any leather jackets in their current collection on their website. I'm sure they'll have something in the store...
Third, I really want a pair of nice penny loafers. I've been looking around for a while, and now that they want us to wear them at work, I want them even more.
If only I could afford these, that'd be nice.
$400 from Saks. Right... but while we're on the subject of shoes, I guess I'll just have to point out that a nice pair of simple dress shoes would be nice, too...
Only $100 from AA online. But would I get Black Patent leather or white? Decisions, decisions...
Alright, enough. If I keep listing the things I'll be tempted to go out and actually buy something I shouldn't.
First of all, I'd like this pea coat from work:
$180 from AA (but only $90 with my discount!)
I JUST bought the Winter Jacket from work, and I'm already going for the most expensive item after that. This might end up being my present to myself before I go so I have another jacket to keep me warm and stylish in the city of lights...
I'd definitely get it it Yankee Navy. Navy is just clean and classic. You can't argue with it. Dark oxford might be alright, but I just feel like I'd get bored with it.
Second of all, I need a nice, high quality leather jacket. This is a tough one. It's probably a piece that everyone wants. The problem is always finding the best balance of cost, look, quality, and style. I will probably end up looking for leather jackets while I'm in Paris, because it seems like every Frenchman that comes into my store in Santa Barbara is wearing a nice leather jacket. I asked one of them where the best place to look in Paris was and he recommended "Le Marais". I don't think It's going to be easy...
When I was in London, I had no problem finding plenty of vintage and thrift shops to satisfy my budget, but whenever I've been in Paris I've only landed upon high end designer stores. It would be nice to own a few nice designer pieces here and there, but I'd rather take home an entire suitcase full of vintage French designer clothing than one 8,000 euro jacket (not that I'd be ready to make such a ridiculous purchase).
What I really want, though, is an Italian style motorcycle leather jacket--so maybe I'll be looking in the wrong country...
Anyways, G-star raw usually has cool jackets, and they're pretty big in France, but I can't seem to find any leather jackets in their current collection on their website. I'm sure they'll have something in the store...
Third, I really want a pair of nice penny loafers. I've been looking around for a while, and now that they want us to wear them at work, I want them even more.
If only I could afford these, that'd be nice.
$400 from Saks. Right... but while we're on the subject of shoes, I guess I'll just have to point out that a nice pair of simple dress shoes would be nice, too...
Only $100 from AA online. But would I get Black Patent leather or white? Decisions, decisions...
Alright, enough. If I keep listing the things I'll be tempted to go out and actually buy something I shouldn't.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Good to be Home
It's been over a year now since I've left home to start at UCSB.
It's strange to me that I now consider Santa Barbara my home.
When I'm in Santa Barbara, home seems like this far off imaginary place that only exists in my dreams that I won't get to see for a while, and now that I'm actually here, I feel like I don't belong.
I need the city.
Santa Barbara is much better than Irvine, but it is also farther from LA and all of my friends...
But still there are things about home that make me happy. Like my dogs, for instance. I missed them so much...
Perhaps San Francisco, LA, Seattle, Chicago, New York, or Paris is in my future?
Hopefully.
It's strange to me that I now consider Santa Barbara my home.
When I'm in Santa Barbara, home seems like this far off imaginary place that only exists in my dreams that I won't get to see for a while, and now that I'm actually here, I feel like I don't belong.
I need the city.
Santa Barbara is much better than Irvine, but it is also farther from LA and all of my friends...
But still there are things about home that make me happy. Like my dogs, for instance. I missed them so much...
Perhaps San Francisco, LA, Seattle, Chicago, New York, or Paris is in my future?
Hopefully.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Idealistic--Unrealistic
Those of us with ideals on this earth are doomed to disappointment.
Hoping for perfection: always left with disappointment.
But to settle for any less than your ideals would be to trap yourself within the limits of what you already have.
And so we idealists keep trying to live life to the fullest in every way possible while at the same time ruining every chance at doing just that. I crave for the simplicity of my dreams--and yet it seems as if my life will become increasingly complex until my goals are achieved.
Contradiction.
If I do not achieve my dreams I will not die happy and in the meantime I am willing to endure misery to achieve a far off, probably unrealizable dream.
Contradiction.
And once you do achieve part of that dream, it interferes with what you had going before and throws your life off balance. Always struggling for that balance, as if it could actually be obtained.
Contradiction.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have such high expectations,
But I couldn't live my life any other way.
The hardest part of all, though, is trying not to give in. The further you get into the game, the more tempting it would be to just give up. Why search your entire life for an ideal you might not achieve instead of enjoying an ultimately less satisfying result that you get instant gratification from?
It's that question you hear repeated by adults to college kids over and over: what are you going to do with your life?
You always want to say the right thing in that situation, of course, and some actually believe that those things will bring themselves happiness instead of truly asking themselves what they want from the bottom of their heart and soul.
I feel like I've known for so long what I want and yet that ideal I've sought seems farther off than ever now that I'm closer than I've ever come before.
And so I'm currently at a crossroads:
I don't want money.
I don't want prestige.
All I want is to be happy--but the more I achieve, the more I realize the ideals I was once told to embrace are not all there is to life and that they bring little, if any happiness at all.
And so I cling to my own ideals: but in a society full of materialism and contradiction the path to happiness is a difficult one. Ultimately the people you make the journey with are what matter most--I just wish I was completely sure who those people were right now. The people I'd love to share my future with.
Are there any idealists left? Someone who wants truth and real life as much as I do; someone who doesn't want to climb the social ladder; someone who doesn't want to sleep in a haystack of cash; someone who doesn't want the newest Mercedes to go with their beach front villa;
Someone who just wants to picnic in the Santa Barbara sun with a bottle of red wine and pastries from the bakery; someone to debate politics and history with over a cup of coffee; someone who wants to live a comfortable, but simple life; someone who would enjoy doing anything just because they know that our minds are like;
Someone who wants to explore what the world has to offer and offer as much in return;
Someone who will search for truth and the ideal with me.
For now, I retreat. The meaninglessness of day to day occurrences surrounds me.
And so I forget...
For now.
Hoping for perfection: always left with disappointment.
But to settle for any less than your ideals would be to trap yourself within the limits of what you already have.
And so we idealists keep trying to live life to the fullest in every way possible while at the same time ruining every chance at doing just that. I crave for the simplicity of my dreams--and yet it seems as if my life will become increasingly complex until my goals are achieved.
Contradiction.
If I do not achieve my dreams I will not die happy and in the meantime I am willing to endure misery to achieve a far off, probably unrealizable dream.
Contradiction.
And once you do achieve part of that dream, it interferes with what you had going before and throws your life off balance. Always struggling for that balance, as if it could actually be obtained.
Contradiction.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have such high expectations,
But I couldn't live my life any other way.
The hardest part of all, though, is trying not to give in. The further you get into the game, the more tempting it would be to just give up. Why search your entire life for an ideal you might not achieve instead of enjoying an ultimately less satisfying result that you get instant gratification from?
It's that question you hear repeated by adults to college kids over and over: what are you going to do with your life?
You always want to say the right thing in that situation, of course, and some actually believe that those things will bring themselves happiness instead of truly asking themselves what they want from the bottom of their heart and soul.
I feel like I've known for so long what I want and yet that ideal I've sought seems farther off than ever now that I'm closer than I've ever come before.
And so I'm currently at a crossroads:
I don't want money.
I don't want prestige.
All I want is to be happy--but the more I achieve, the more I realize the ideals I was once told to embrace are not all there is to life and that they bring little, if any happiness at all.
And so I cling to my own ideals: but in a society full of materialism and contradiction the path to happiness is a difficult one. Ultimately the people you make the journey with are what matter most--I just wish I was completely sure who those people were right now. The people I'd love to share my future with.
Are there any idealists left? Someone who wants truth and real life as much as I do; someone who doesn't want to climb the social ladder; someone who doesn't want to sleep in a haystack of cash; someone who doesn't want the newest Mercedes to go with their beach front villa;
Someone who just wants to picnic in the Santa Barbara sun with a bottle of red wine and pastries from the bakery; someone to debate politics and history with over a cup of coffee; someone who wants to live a comfortable, but simple life; someone who would enjoy doing anything just because they know that our minds are like;
Someone who wants to explore what the world has to offer and offer as much in return;
Someone who will search for truth and the ideal with me.
For now, I retreat. The meaninglessness of day to day occurrences surrounds me.
And so I forget...
For now.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Warrior In The Sky
Warrior in the sky:
I stare at you tonight as many have from long ago;
As I once did long ago.
All those heroes--
Lived and died.
My life has changed--
I've laughed, I've cried.
One day, too, I'll leave this earth--
Tomorrow's warm embrace will catch.
But you--
Your shining brights will never fade.
Watching us, looking down.
Watching us
Watching us
Watching us
Our lives that seem so big--
so small.
I stare at you tonight as many have from long ago;
As I once did long ago.
All those heroes--
Lived and died.
My life has changed--
I've laughed, I've cried.
One day, too, I'll leave this earth--
Tomorrow's warm embrace will catch.
But you--
Your shining brights will never fade.
Watching us, looking down.
Watching us
Watching us
Watching us
Our lives that seem so big--
so small.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Update
Currently sipping some Harrod's Earl Grey tea--a taste I have not tasted in a while.
Things have grown pretty repetitive in Santa Barbara. Work has increasingly taken over my life, which is both good and bad for many reasons. I find that I spend most of my time at American Apparel and less time on campus, however, I'm working to restore the balance. I had grown to miss spending hours in library on the fourth floor balcony reading about history and watching the sunset, but I've been doing that more lately, which has been nice.
I've also decided to get my shit together for grad school. I've just lately realized that the time when I will be applying to grad schools is less than a year away, and I need to keep in the honors program, get more involved, work on departmental honors, and make sure that I'm guaranteed a spot in the senior honors thesis program next year. My future academic career depends on it.
Basically, I've been suffering from the strange problem of actually achieving my goals--which is good, obviously, but now I just have the problem of where to go next in some areas. I achieved a goal at work I had been working towards for a while, and despite work's taking over my life, I am still on track toward achieving my goals in school too. My goal was to get straight A's this quarter and so far, after Midterms, I have A's in all of my classes and I'm all caught up on my reading.
Certain other areas of my life that usually take a backseat are actually developing, for once and hopefully that keeps going well.
One other thing that I've noticed lately is how much I miss all of my friends back in Irvine and LA. It's getting increasingly difficult to travel back home for extended periods of time, and I'm finding that there still aren't many people here that can fill the friendship gap of what I once had back home. Not to mention, a few of the friends that seemed up to the task in Santa Barbara aren't even here right now.
Overall though everything's basically good. I'm complacent but feeling the need that I should be more stressed out, like I usually am. Hopefully things continue to go well. I just hope that I can see some of my friends soon. Santa Barbara is still kind of lonely.
Things have grown pretty repetitive in Santa Barbara. Work has increasingly taken over my life, which is both good and bad for many reasons. I find that I spend most of my time at American Apparel and less time on campus, however, I'm working to restore the balance. I had grown to miss spending hours in library on the fourth floor balcony reading about history and watching the sunset, but I've been doing that more lately, which has been nice.
I've also decided to get my shit together for grad school. I've just lately realized that the time when I will be applying to grad schools is less than a year away, and I need to keep in the honors program, get more involved, work on departmental honors, and make sure that I'm guaranteed a spot in the senior honors thesis program next year. My future academic career depends on it.
Basically, I've been suffering from the strange problem of actually achieving my goals--which is good, obviously, but now I just have the problem of where to go next in some areas. I achieved a goal at work I had been working towards for a while, and despite work's taking over my life, I am still on track toward achieving my goals in school too. My goal was to get straight A's this quarter and so far, after Midterms, I have A's in all of my classes and I'm all caught up on my reading.
Certain other areas of my life that usually take a backseat are actually developing, for once and hopefully that keeps going well.
One other thing that I've noticed lately is how much I miss all of my friends back in Irvine and LA. It's getting increasingly difficult to travel back home for extended periods of time, and I'm finding that there still aren't many people here that can fill the friendship gap of what I once had back home. Not to mention, a few of the friends that seemed up to the task in Santa Barbara aren't even here right now.
Overall though everything's basically good. I'm complacent but feeling the need that I should be more stressed out, like I usually am. Hopefully things continue to go well. I just hope that I can see some of my friends soon. Santa Barbara is still kind of lonely.
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