Crescent

And so as time goes on,
My friend,
Sun fades to moon,
And back again.
The waves still crash,
And what is more,
The end is clear no more.

Rising,
Falling,
Left,
Then right.
So close you are,
And yet so far,
And yet we keep on living life,
As if nothing happened--
Future Bright--
Ignoring past for better or for worse.

The cycle continues.
The sun,
Rising once more,
Taking its place in the light of day,
Will stay,
At least for now.

I watch it all from my window,
And think of all that has passed.

It doesn't matter to me now.
If the moon return,
So be it.

Let it take the sky and pierce my heart,
For it is already dead.

Eligible

So today I found out that I am eligible for the UCSB history department's Departmental Honors Program.

This means that my hard work had actually been paying off and I am finally seeing some of the fruits of that.

At the end of this year, I'll know whether or not I get into the senior honors thesis program and if I do get in and survive... I'll be one of twelve history majors to do it.

Theoretically then I will be looking pretty academically sexy for grad school.

In the meantime, I just have to enroll in a few more classes that will make myself look academically sexy for the senior honors thesis program.

Onward to victory!

Waiting...

I cannot wait until Winter break starts.

I have a lot of writing to do once I'm free, and a lot of freedom to experience in Paris.

The suffering will pay off at last!

I will be in Europe, with money, with a quarter of straight A's behind me, and my first publication finished (or if not finished, significantly closer to being finished than ever before).

Life is good. Sometimes.

All I Wish I was Wishing for, for Christmas

So this holiday season, I keep wondering, what do I really want for Christmas? I don't think it's going to be like Christmas when I was a kid, when there would be a lot of presents under the tree--I won't even be in the U.S. to be near a Christmas tree--but it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

First of all, I'd like this pea coat from work:



$180 from AA (but only $90 with my discount!)

I JUST bought the Winter Jacket from work, and I'm already going for the most expensive item after that. This might end up being my present to myself before I go so I have another jacket to keep me warm and stylish in the city of lights...

I'd definitely get it it Yankee Navy. Navy is just clean and classic. You can't argue with it. Dark oxford might be alright, but I just feel like I'd get bored with it.

Second of all, I need a nice, high quality leather jacket. This is a tough one. It's probably a piece that everyone wants. The problem is always finding the best balance of cost, look, quality, and style. I will probably end up looking for leather jackets while I'm in Paris, because it seems like every Frenchman that comes into my store in Santa Barbara is wearing a nice leather jacket. I asked one of them where the best place to look in Paris was and he recommended "Le Marais". I don't think It's going to be easy...

When I was in London, I had no problem finding plenty of vintage and thrift shops to satisfy my budget, but whenever I've been in Paris I've only landed upon high end designer stores. It would be nice to own a few nice designer pieces here and there, but I'd rather take home an entire suitcase full of vintage French designer clothing than one 8,000 euro jacket (not that I'd be ready to make such a ridiculous purchase).

What I really want, though, is an Italian style motorcycle leather jacket--so maybe I'll be looking in the wrong country...

Anyways, G-star raw usually has cool jackets, and they're pretty big in France, but I can't seem to find any leather jackets in their current collection on their website. I'm sure they'll have something in the store...

Third, I really want a pair of nice penny loafers. I've been looking around for a while, and now that they want us to wear them at work, I want them even more.

If only I could afford these, that'd be nice.



$400 from Saks. Right... but while we're on the subject of shoes, I guess I'll just have to point out that a nice pair of simple dress shoes would be nice, too...



Only $100 from AA online. But would I get Black Patent leather or white? Decisions, decisions...

Alright, enough. If I keep listing the things I'll be tempted to go out and actually buy something I shouldn't.

Good to be Home

It's been over a year now since I've left home to start at UCSB.

It's strange to me that I now consider Santa Barbara my home.

When I'm in Santa Barbara, home seems like this far off imaginary place that only exists in my dreams that I won't get to see for a while, and now that I'm actually here, I feel like I don't belong.

I need the city.

Santa Barbara is much better than Irvine, but it is also farther from LA and all of my friends...

But still there are things about home that make me happy. Like my dogs, for instance. I missed them so much...

Perhaps San Francisco, LA, Seattle, Chicago, New York, or Paris is in my future?

Hopefully.

Idealistic--Unrealistic

Those of us with ideals on this earth are doomed to disappointment.

Hoping for perfection: always left with disappointment.

But to settle for any less than your ideals would be to trap yourself within the limits of what you already have.

And so we idealists keep trying to live life to the fullest in every way possible while at the same time ruining every chance at doing just that. I crave for the simplicity of my dreams--and yet it seems as if my life will become increasingly complex until my goals are achieved.

Contradiction.

If I do not achieve my dreams I will not die happy and in the meantime I am willing to endure misery to achieve a far off, probably unrealizable dream.

Contradiction.

And once you do achieve part of that dream, it interferes with what you had going before and throws your life off balance. Always struggling for that balance, as if it could actually be obtained.

Contradiction.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such high expectations,

But I couldn't live my life any other way.

The hardest part of all, though, is trying not to give in. The further you get into the game, the more tempting it would be to just give up. Why search your entire life for an ideal you might not achieve instead of enjoying an ultimately less satisfying result that you get instant gratification from?

It's that question you hear repeated by adults to college kids over and over: what are you going to do with your life?

You always want to say the right thing in that situation, of course, and some actually believe that those things will bring themselves happiness instead of truly asking themselves what they want from the bottom of their heart and soul.

I feel like I've known for so long what I want and yet that ideal I've sought seems farther off than ever now that I'm closer than I've ever come before.

And so I'm currently at a crossroads:

I don't want money.

I don't want prestige.

All I want is to be happy--but the more I achieve, the more I realize the ideals I was once told to embrace are not all there is to life and that they bring little, if any happiness at all.

And so I cling to my own ideals: but in a society full of materialism and contradiction the path to happiness is a difficult one. Ultimately the people you make the journey with are what matter most--I just wish I was completely sure who those people were right now. The people I'd love to share my future with.

Are there any idealists left? Someone who wants truth and real life as much as I do; someone who doesn't want to climb the social ladder; someone who doesn't want to sleep in a haystack of cash; someone who doesn't want the newest Mercedes to go with their beach front villa;

Someone who just wants to picnic in the Santa Barbara sun with a bottle of red wine and pastries from the bakery; someone to debate politics and history with over a cup of coffee; someone who wants to live a comfortable, but simple life; someone who would enjoy doing anything just because they know that our minds are like;

Someone who wants to explore what the world has to offer and offer as much in return;

Someone who will search for truth and the ideal with me.




For now, I retreat. The meaninglessness of day to day occurrences surrounds me.

And so I forget...

For now.

Warrior In The Sky

Warrior in the sky:
I stare at you tonight as many have from long ago;
As I once did long ago.

All those heroes--
Lived and died.
My life has changed--
I've laughed, I've cried.

One day, too, I'll leave this earth--
Tomorrow's warm embrace will catch.

But you--
Your shining brights will never fade.
Watching us, looking down.
Watching us
Watching us
Watching us

Our lives that seem so big--
so small.

Update

Currently sipping some Harrod's Earl Grey tea--a taste I have not tasted in a while.

Things have grown pretty repetitive in Santa Barbara. Work has increasingly taken over my life, which is both good and bad for many reasons. I find that I spend most of my time at American Apparel and less time on campus, however, I'm working to restore the balance. I had grown to miss spending hours in library on the fourth floor balcony reading about history and watching the sunset, but I've been doing that more lately, which has been nice.

I've also decided to get my shit together for grad school. I've just lately realized that the time when I will be applying to grad schools is less than a year away, and I need to keep in the honors program, get more involved, work on departmental honors, and make sure that I'm guaranteed a spot in the senior honors thesis program next year. My future academic career depends on it.

Basically, I've been suffering from the strange problem of actually achieving my goals--which is good, obviously, but now I just have the problem of where to go next in some areas. I achieved a goal at work I had been working towards for a while, and despite work's taking over my life, I am still on track toward achieving my goals in school too. My goal was to get straight A's this quarter and so far, after Midterms, I have A's in all of my classes and I'm all caught up on my reading.

Certain other areas of my life that usually take a backseat are actually developing, for once and hopefully that keeps going well.

One other thing that I've noticed lately is how much I miss all of my friends back in Irvine and LA. It's getting increasingly difficult to travel back home for extended periods of time, and I'm finding that there still aren't many people here that can fill the friendship gap of what I once had back home. Not to mention, a few of the friends that seemed up to the task in Santa Barbara aren't even here right now.

Overall though everything's basically good. I'm complacent but feeling the need that I should be more stressed out, like I usually am. Hopefully things continue to go well. I just hope that I can see some of my friends soon. Santa Barbara is still kind of lonely.

Starry Summit

Ocean—
Sky—
Fading into one.
Stars crashing at my feet.
Shinng brilliance—extinguished.
Each time I return the sky grows darker—your place empty by my side.
Naught can fill the void.
Past in the dark—fading.
Present illuminated—sterile.

I gather courage, make a leap, to swim among the stars once more.
Rush, I feel—take my breath.
Wind surrounds me—howl of death.
Just when I think the peak's in sight,
I fall...
and fall...
and fall...
and fall...

Happy Alone

Santa Barbara has been lonely this summer.

Sometimes I wish I could return to the life I had before I left LA: I feel like I had things together so much more then. I felt like I could accomplish anything. But now everything around me seems to be falling apart. Even the things about myself that I thought would never change seem to be changing. It's like I don't even know myself anymore.

I miss waking up at 5:00 am and watching the sun rise over a cup of coffee and a history book.

I miss my friends from home.

I miss my family.

I miss my house.

I miss my stupid little Orange suburb.

I feel empty and nothing in Santa Barbara seems to be able to fill that void.

I'm dropping Summer Session B. I need some time to find myself and for change. I'm done with the way things have been in my life.

I just keep working and working and working and I finally can't take it anymore. I need to learn to enjoy life while I still have the youth to enjoy it.

Change will come and it will come soon.

I need to find the missing piece that will fill the void in my heart that has been empty for too long.

An End to My Blogging Hiatus

FINALLY done with my first year of college.

I've been incredibly busy the last few weeks with work and all my school work. I can finally breathe again--and update my blog, of course!

So much has happened since the last time I've updated, I'll have to try and find the time to think up the most significant things and put them on here at some point.

But for now it's time for some relaxation via a good book and some tea.

Oh Blog, You Have Been Missed

School has been keeping me quite busy lately, but I have to say that my passion for at least three out of my four classes has been extremely motivating.

I'm currently writing a paper on revolutions for my world history class and I'm going way over the word limit. In fact I'm considering finding a way to publish the thing because I'm so absorbed in it right now. Maybe I'll put up a PDF when I'm finished. I need to start looking for journals to submit it to...

Other than that, I've been writing poetry now and then and working on my book. I've had little time for my own creative endeavors, but I think I'm going to find ways to change that. I've been working on this project for a while now, and it means a lot to me, but it would mean much more finished.

All in all I've been wanting to get away lately. The thought of putting a flight to Paris on my credit card has been more appealing than ever before. I just want to leave forever and do what I've always wanted to do--write.

I suppose I can begin that here in Santa Barbara but I have to finish that whole college thing first, you know? Maybe I need to stop stressing myself out so much and just lower my academic expectations a bit...

Life is so strange.

Spring Break: Culinary Adventures

Well, originally this blog was entitled "Epiphany" because I thought I'd be writing about meaningful topics, but lately it seems like my entries are all focused around food.

When you come home on spring break after being gone for months, though, that seems to be what life has been revolving around! If food isn't being shoved in my face by my parents, I'm driving or riding my bike off to faraway places to get it.

So I guess food can be meaningful as well.

Yesterday I rode bikes around with Kristine all day. We started in Irvine and rode to Kéan coffee in Newport. I got my favorite, the "Café Napoli" which is a subtle blend of espresso, orange, chocolate, and steamed milk. And of course they served it in a ceramic mug with perfect latté art! Delicious!



Then we rode across town and got Alejandro's (amazing and CHEAP Mexican food) and also went to a Mexican bakery off Nineteenth and Placentia where I proceeded to buy some empanada queso and other various pastries I can't recall the name of.





After I thoroughly stuffed myself, we rode home and crashed on my couch since we were exhausted after our thirty mile bike ride. Made me feel a bit less guilty about the food, though.

Shortly after Kristine left, my family came home and we made dinner. Since my dad's girlfriend was over, she brought her latest choice wine: 2006 Chianti from Trader Joe's that was delicious (and apparently only $6? Definitely on the cheap side for her taste...).



She also made amazing food to go with it, of course. Spinach cooked in a wok with cooking oil and garlic, spring rolls, steamed rice (a staple at the Anderson residence), and orange chicken (probably at my brother's request).



Later that night, got 85 degrees with Julie. Asian coffee with condensed milk is sooo good.

More delicious culinary adventures today as well, but which will be left unmentioned for now. I've probably bored all of my readers with details about food anyways.

Tomorrow, Disneyland with Cheyenne!

Top of the World

Tonight I went with Kristine to Peet's for coffee and hung out for a bit.

Afterwards we got the idea to go to top of the world and smoke cigars.

Probably the most relaxing thing I've done in a very long time.

To just sit up there under the stars at the top of the hill and see everything below was just amazing.

For some reason seeing everything so small makes life seem a lot easier to deal with for a moment. Everything is clear and I feel at peace.

Oh, and of course we saw people fucking in their car as we were leaving, but that's to be expected. People often take advantage of the amazing view at top of the world...



Tomorrow riding bikes to the beach and hanging out with Patricia. Should be wonderful.

Spring Break 2009: Off to a Good Start

Yesterday I slept in, drove home, and ate a delicious lunch with my mom, got Peet's and then spent the majority of the evening with Julie.

We went to few of the usual spots: Mitsuwa, Kinokuniya, Deelux, and Ikea (I'm already starting to look for furniture for my new place I'll be moving into in June)

After that, we met up with Pat and Tanya at Shinsengumi and ate delicious RAMEN! That made me so happy.



Then we went to Christine's "Pisces Riot". It was so much fun! Never thought I would go to such a great party in Orange County. So different from IV parties :D





Probably going to spend the majority of the break writing and working on the new "Overheardiniv" website. There are a few new sections I'd like to add, and the whole look needs to be rejuvinated so that this thing can actually get serious. I won't be overexerting myself too much over break though...

I've been working on a loosely autobiographical piece for a while, some poetry, and short stories. Want to publish some of it by summer so I better finish it!

Anyways, I think this spring break is going to be wonderful. Relaxing and productive.

Edit:

I love being home so much now.

Mainly for this:



Steamed artichokes with melted butter, tri-tip with a special sauce, and steamed rice all washed down with a nice glass of pinot noir.

My dad's girlfriend is an amazing cook and the food just keeps me coming back.

Holga: A Pleasant Surprise

So I have a Holga that I've never really used and I finally developed a roll of film that had been sitting in there for ages.

A few of the pictures came out alright.





Definitely using this thing more often!

So unprediactable.

À Cause de Yelle

This week is going to finish well.

What a wonderful way to end a stressful week that is not yet over.

I've been waiting for Yelle to come to L.A. for some time now.

Let's hope that some more Electro Français follows her.



Je veux te voir
ce jeudi orgasmique!

Oh, AIG. How you have FAILed

My roommate showed me this video today--an old AIG commercial from a few years back that quotes "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot.

Considering the recent economic crisis and what a big part AIG has played, I'd say this video is pretty hilarious.

You MUST watch the video until the VERY END to see why it is so funny.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At6F0M4bSP8 (Copy and paste this link if embedded video doesn't show up)

I guess the second greatest risk after not taking one is taking a REALLY SHITTY RISK.

Thanks again AIG :D

Ode Santa Barbara

I've been listening to Lily Allen a lot again lately since her new album came out.

When I went to go back and listen to "Alright Still", the lyrics of "LDN" reminded me a lot of Santa Barbara.

Don't ask me why, hear for yourself:



I guess it's just the whole "sun is in the sky, why would I want to be anywhere else?" thing. But then again I guess the crack whore part is equally relevent.

But then again Santa Barbara kind of reminds me of Tropicalia by Beck, too.



Oh, the ironies of life in paradise.

I've been hibernating for days writing papers, don't ask. :D

Stock Market--Rash?

The Dow fell below 7000 today.

Right when I was beginning to think that things were going to improve...



I don't think this is the change America hoped for.

Edit:

They cut hours at work today... again. I was almost where I wanted to be for the week and now I'm back down to a mere twelve hours. Perhaps this was in reaction to the further drop of the stock market today? One thing is for certain--in retail, the psychology of economics is extremely important and when the stock market goes as low as it did today, it will certainly not help our sales and therefore won't help my wallet either.

I Love French Culture

It's so loud.

So many Americans mistake this for arrogance.

But you can't doubt its worthiness of praise. :D

On the Nature of Erring

Today I was reading "Meditations on First Philosophy" by Descartes, which at first was an annoyance in the middle of my attempting to write a history paper, but it put me in a thinking state of mind.

I was about to go resume writing my history paper since I had finished reading the first and second meditations when I picked up my briefcase and, not realizing that the latches were undone, dropped everything inside on the floor.

My friend immediately said "Oh, that sucks" as if dropping my briefcase should be a damper on my mood. It made me realize that things that stress out a lot of people don't really affect me. I just picked up my things, latched my briefcase, and set off to what I was going to do.

What made my friend think that dropping my briefcase was bad? We've all grown up seeing people in the media and everyday life stressing about similar things like spilling coffee on themselves and having it ruin their day because from then on, a series of bad events just kept piling on the effects of that cup of coffee. What if, in the first place, they thought that spilling the coffee wasn't such a bad thing, washed the coffee out immediately and moved on? Then they wouldn't be thinking that their day will be a bad one--they would have lived out their day as if nothing had happened in the first place.

Having a bad day is just a state of mind. If you treat things as they are, then they can only be that--what they are. A spilled cup of coffee is merely a spilled cup of coffee--not a reason to complain about having a horrible day and stressing yourself out further probably causing you to make more errors in your state of stress that can only compound that stress and maybe even causing co-workers and family members to complain about how much you complain since you have compounded your stress onto them. By not dealing with the problem for yourself, it is now everyone's problem that you spilled that coffee because it will no doubt effect every interaction you have with other people for that day because that is what you've told yourself is the right thing to do in this situation.

Therefore, if you spilled your coffee on yourself in the morning and you believe that it ruined your day, it is not in fact the coffee that ruined your day, but your own lack of faculties to deal with the effects of this spilled coffee, for in reality this coffee should have no effect other than being just that--spilled coffee.

In the end, if you try wiping out the stain immediately without stressing about it, you know that you'll have done everything in your power to remove the stain and there is nothing else you can do except hope that it'll come out in the wash.

The same is true for my briefcase. I just put my things back in, accepted it, and kept going.

I guess what I mean by this is that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and it only makes things worse. Give yourself a break and do what's best to truly solve the problem and it will stress you out much less in the end.

Perhaps more Philosophy later--now back to that paper.

Edit:

When someone I know saw this, they sent me this poem:

On Track

I'm on track but I can't focus forever



I need spring break NOW

and then spring quarter

and then summer school

and work work work in between @________________________@

More hours = More money (which I need) but also more stress

Dov is watching



I thought I was done with this stress. But I just have to keep creating it for myself, right?

Fire and Brimstone at the Arbor

Warning: This article is opinionated so try to approach it without bias and make the judgments for yourself. Want to give the crazies a chance, you know?




Some people may find themselves asking what exactly is going on in this picture. As a witness of the event myself, I'm not quite sure.
Today, a couple of mysterious men with "Jesus" signs stood around in the Arbor, an outdoor area here at UCSB where students often gather, and shouted what most viewed as obscenities or complete hilarity. Why did they come to our school and feel so compelled to share their "views" with us?





Jeremiah Baldwin, one of the "inspired individuals" that visited today claims that the sole reason for their coming was to "uplift Jesus Christ". Most of the students passing by or debating with him hardly got this feeling. The other man accompanying Jeremiah--"Frank"--was earlier shouting that there are so many different kinds of people nowadays that we need an entire major devoted to the study of them. Yes, he's referring to the "Queer Studies" major. But you know, "in the beginning there were only heterosexuals" so obviously this course of study at our university must be perpetuating this unholy state of mind. The University of California should stop all funding to the Queer Studies program immediately and divert their funds to the Ignorant Bigot Studies Program--they are quite underrepresented in the curricula at the UC.

I wonder why.

Baldwin claimed that there were no specific motivations in coming to UCSB in my interview with him, but it was an interview of course. Only the politically correct version of what these men had been shouting all afternoon came out in that interview. But I was there and I heard the rest.

Frank's earlier comments directly contradicted Baldwins statements that UCSB was not targeted. Frank shouted "The hippie era is dead" and encouraged us to stop with our pot-smoking evils. I mean, our school is fairly liberal leaning, so obviously we're all non-believers that spend our days smoking pot, getting drunk, and having sex. Perhaps there is a portion of the school that does engage in these activities, but who does this man think he is coming and telling us that that's not okay? We already know, it's just fun. Jeeeeeeeeeezus Christ, man. Simmer down!

And of course there are the comments about the Queer Studies Program--I'm sure they stopped at Westmont Christian college in their travels and criticized them for their Queer Studies Program, right? Of course!

Jeremiah also claimed that they were not members of any particular organization. I, for one, am happy to know that these men are the only two crazies out there who were motivated enough to make it to our school to preach this insanity to us between classes. But unfortunately I am reminded that there are bus loads of people who, while not friends of Baldwin and Frank, would be more than happy to relay their same message.

Baldwin's claims didn't end there, however. He said that they were stopping at schools in Los Angeles next, then San Luis Obispo and Northern Calfornia. Why start in Santa Barbara? I guess airfare to our tiny municipal airport must have been cheaper than flying straight into LAX and going in a line up the coast from there. These are logical men, after all. Unless of course he was lying...

Baldwin and Frank met at the Street Preachers Convention in Portland a few years back and I suppose they've been blasphemy hugging, heresy loving spewers ever since.

Perhaps one Christian UCSB student's comments sums it up best of all: "I believe in Jesus Christ who loves everyone--you do not love anyone and nobody loves you".

True that, man. True that.

Lost Sunglasses

I am a sad sad man with one less pair of vintage sunglasses

where did they go?

someone probably picked them off the ground where i dropped them

hopefully they're enjoying them... >:[

back to the wishlist

MGMT

I know they're really popular now and everyone knows them--but am I the only one that didn't realize how cool their photo are?

Last night

Going back to Santa Barbara tomorrow.

Got to stop by Art Walk for the first time in a while and visit with some old friends.

As ridiculous as this sounds--I miss Orange County a lot sometimes.

Hopefully Santa Barbara will feel a bit more like home soon

Spring

A time of renewal

The only thing I can think of that will be renewing is the shitmounds of work I'll have to do soon.

But to be completely honest, I had a near perfect fall quarter so I can't complain too much.

I'll be living without a car for a while, but I think I'm going to like that more than I thought I would.

I hope things continue at a steady efficient pace like they have so far.

The train ride back on Sunday is going to be beautiful.